Good day everyone. How’s your drive time commute? The Cardboard City Films blog has been lying in a rusted heap next to the highway for some time now, so here’s a little update to stop the vagrants using it as a toilet.
A slightly improved (almost imperceptible to the human eye) version of “John Mahoney’s Ice Fishin” can be seen over at our rarely spoke of Vimeo channel: http://vimeo.com/57733077
The Vimeo channel will see more use this year when the graphic content becomes too much for poor ol’ Youtube to handle. That’s right companions, Vimeo will be the only place to see our future films in all their un-pixelated cranial fluid smeared glory.
Mina Mee and Doctor Schmuck have become embroiled in various other artsy fartsy projects, which all combine to stop Cardboard City’s bowels from being as regular as we’d like. But thanks for sticking with us. The next 3 animations will hopefully have you puking in your own piss. Behind the scenes pictures coming soon.
Doctor Joseph Schmuck
Tonight, Dr Schmuck followed a breadcrumb trail of vomit all the way back to his office. Not breadcrumb in size though, I’m talking about massive pools here! In all my years, I never saw mouldy porridge puke like this before. It looked like grandpa from the “Quaker Oats” packaging had gone on a Tokyo puke-athon and my front door was the goddamn finishing line. What relevance does this have to my blog? Well I couldn’t fucking type this update if smelly old grampy Quaker had puked on my keyboard could I?
Due to ongoing financial issues (which frequently prevent us from doing any fucking animation) we slapped a showreel together to try and help company man types understand what we do around here. I’m not gonna lie companions, you’ve probably seen all this baloney before. Although having said that, we did include some BRAND NEW footage from Mina Mee’s upcoming short film and NEVER SEEN BEFORE carnage from the now rat infested “Mao Enthusiast” archives. Just in case you’re interested you can check it out at www.cardboardcityfilms.com (under construction of course)
Possibly more exciting than a showreel though, is the brand new thing (pictured above) that I don’t want to say too much about. I can safely say that Dr Schmuck is going back to the halcyon days of psychotic swear jar abusing assholes being unreasonable to one another. OVER AND OUT!!!
Hello again companions. Aside from some ultra realistic fake turds that I posted on here last week, all other animation related work has been taking a back seat to another exciting project. What other exciting project? Well, if you calm the fuck down I’ll tell you:
Little known fact. Doctor Schmuck was a groundbreaking record producer in the late 1960s/early 70s, recording such classics as “Got Milf” by the “Dead Baby Bardots” and “Children Shouldn’t Play With..” by the much maligned “Papa’s Dick.” Just a few weeks ago, everybody’s favourite new band ”DEATH BY RAYGUN“ swung by the lab and insisted that Doctor Schmuck was the only human being alive with the balls to record their new EP. Well unlike lazy ass modern day donut champion producers like Rick Rubin, the Doctor took care of fucking business. Mina Mee took care of the fucking artwork (ultra detailed plastercine rendering of Clifford Hoyt pictured above) and them crazy kids “Death By Raygun” brought the fucking house down. Check out this cocksucking recommendation from none other than Shakin’ Stevens:
“Evil blown out B-movie goodness for the whole family! On their 1st clusterfuck of an EP, Death By Raygun are gonna drag you kicking and screaming through 5 sonic tales of terror. Spooktastic guitars, demonic keyboards, caveman drumming and a coked up Ed Wood doing his best Iggy Pop. Brace yourselves companions. Shit is about to go off!” - Shakin’ Stevens
A free track is available to download from here: http://soundcloud.com/deathbyraygun/sheila-comes-back
And you can buy the whole goddamn EP with artwork and everything here: http://deathbyraygun.bandcamp.com/
And you can check out even more amazing bands at the “Partys Over” record label here: http://partys-over.bandcamp.com/
Phew, fuck me… NOW BACK TO THE FILMS!!!
Hello? Anyone? Doctor Schmuck here, speaking to you on behalf of Cardboard city films. After many months treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality, we’re finally getting our “shit” together. Mina has been in the lab creating the most realistic fake excrement (3 varieties pictured above) for your leisure…AND pleasure. Why would she do this? Has the girl finally cracked? Well I’ll tell you. It’s being used in our upcoming animation series. The script is in the can and a grotesque plastercine version of Paul Sorvino (Pauly from “Goodfellas”) is being brought to life. Don’t worry, I can confirm that he’s gonna look even more constipated than the real one. If my calculations are correct, toilet humour is about to be elevated to the next level. But before that, expect to finally see cheeky chappy Danny Dyer being taught a lesson by aliens who hate him because he is a massive cunt. More updates soon. Honestly. Over and out!
Hello companions. Doctor Schmuck has been a bit rubbish with his updates recently but new secret shit has come to light. And shit man…. Back to the current project, everything is still going ahead as planned. Don’t worry, Danny is still going to die 10 times over. What a bargain! A good friend of mine suggested that while Dyer has a massive fucking forehead, it’s not ”a fugitive from Easter island” big. So here he is with a smaller forehead, vacant stare and a big silly collar (the size of which is not too visible from this angle). I’m aware that this model still doesn’t look too much like Danny boy, but I don’t really want to look at pictures of the fucker anymore. Looking at him all day has given the doctor a bit of sick. Prime your asses for more updates soon and make sure you listen to the new Lou Reed/Metallica album. It’s the car crash record of the year. Hilarious!
“OH DANNY!!! How could you be so naive?!?!” From left to right: Danny Dyer (doesn’t really look anything like the daft cunt, but certainly portrays the same range of emotions), the sound man, the camera man and the aliens. Notice that nobody has pupils yet. For some reason I get nervous adding the pupils. Also notice that the doctor’s usual hard liquor has today been replaced with a hot lemon drink. It was 100 yen from the “used underwear and hot lemon drink” vending machine right outside our front door. “Hot lemon drink? What is this soft ass shit” I hear you say, but even a maverick renegade like Doctor Schmuck has gotta get his vitamins. Stay tuned companions.
If you hate Danny Dyer as much as I do, why the fuck haven’t you made a film about it? Well, it looks like I hate him more than you and I’m getting in there first. I thought you people might like to see how rubbish a day 1 of a Doctor Schmuck animation project actually is. It’s also debatable as to whether or not it gets better than this. Gaze in wonder at how shit I am. Don’t you See. You really can make your own films and you’ll make them better than I ever could. For your health! I started late today (and I had to mix different colours of plastercine together to get the colours I wanted) so tomorrow will be much better. Note: This is also the same dismantled cupboard that I film everything on top of.
Doctor Joseph Schmuck here. “I am in the house” as the rappers say. Not sure if anyone remembers but I used to make films. Well, I stopped for a long time because I got a job dismembering animals for “pet hospital” when the tv producers were short on naturally occuring casualties. Well fortunately, the numbers are right up again and I have returned back to the world of film making. When I recently opened the door of the old “Dr Schmucks Videos” channel, there was a disgusting smell and all the surfaces were dusty and covered in pubes (not any kind of pube I’ve seen before). This has lead me to the decision to open a brand new channel with my fucking Lady friend “Mina Mee.” She’s also been in hibernation for a few years so it’s a new start for both of us. The channel is called “Cardboard City Films.” It will take us a little while to get our shit together, so for now we are uploading all of our old films with some slightly newer ones that you might not have seen. A cheap move I know, but once we start uploading actual new stuff again….Holey moley! You’re gonna find it hard to keep it in your pants. Over and out!